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 Grief Knows No Holiday Home Nursing Agency Offers Support for Bereaved at Monthly Luncheons Grief will be with many of us this holiday season. Holidays are times heavily invested with memories and it is natural that the pain of loss would be keen. “Traditionally, the holidays are associated with happy times. However, for those individuals who are grieving over a recent loss, the season can be very, very difficult and extremely hard to get through,” said Sally Reeves, Home Nursing Agency's Public Education/Hospice Volunteer Coordinator. One of the intentions during these monthly luncheons is to provide the bereaved an opportunity to share their grief with others who are experiencing some of the same thoughts and feelings. “It's so vital to offer this support throughout the year, particularly during the holidays,” said Reeves. Recently, those in attendance at Home Nursing Agency's monthly bereavement support-luncheons heard valuable insight from Aftercare Coordinators Denise Smith Long of Merrill Smith Funeral Home, Inc. and Serena Stevens of Stevens Mortuaries and Plank, Stitt and Stevens Funeral Home on coping with grief particularly over the holidays. Bereavement support is part of Home Nursing Agency's Hospice Program. If you're over age 40, there's a 1-in-3 chance that a close relative or friend died in the last year. Or, you may be among the one million Americans who lost a spouse. Some people who are grieving find it reassuring to participate in holiday activities as usual. Other may find it too painful to do so. Here are a few of their suggestions to help the bereaved move through the holiday season, however they choose to observe it. Build on tradition. For the holiday meal, place a lighted candle on the table in memory of the deceased; prepare one or two of his/her favorite holiday foods. Create a memorial ornament or decoration in their honor. If the deceased member participated in special holiday roles and festivities, formally ask another family member to carry on the tradition. There's no 'blueprint' to get through the holidays and it's important to accept and recognize that this may not be a 'picture-perfect holiday'. It's O.K. to say “Best Wishes” instead of “Merry Christmas”. Change the way you celebrate, if tradition is too painful. Instead of hosting a sit-down family meal at home, have a buffet, go out for dinner with family and friends or consider taking a holiday trip. Let others know that you may not participate in all the usual activities and if it's O.K. for loved ones to share their memories of the deceased with you. Feel free to change plans at the last minute and cry if you need to. Embrace your pain and allow yourself to feel what you feel. Don't stifle your pain. Help others. Volunteer your time through your place of worship or a through a charity. Invite someone who is alone during the holiday to join you and your family for a meal, a religious service or a festivity like a holiday concert. Make a donation to a favorite cause in honor of the deceased. Make good choices. Take charge of your life. Try to eat healthy, exercise and get plenty of rest. Find ways to express your emotions whether it's through volunteering, woodworking, painting, crocheting, singing or writing poems or in a journal. Whatever it is - do it! For further information on the monthly bereavement luncheons, please contact 946-5411 or 1-800-445-6262. In 1969, the psychiatrist Elizabeth Kubler-Ross introduced the idea that people go through five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. This helped legitimize the wide variety of emotions that grieving people experience. However, this is not a prescription for grief and is not meant to give people the idea that they must move through all the aforementioned stages to grieve 'correctly' or 'completely'. “Through grieving, we identify what grief means to us. It helps push us ahead and challenges us in myriad ways. The intention is not to become a new person, but a different person,” said Aftercare Coordinator, Denise Smith Long of Merrill Smith Funeral Home, Inc. Each person responds differently to loss. Reactions to grief can include physical symptoms, feelings, thoughts and behaviors. Each loss is as unique as the individual relationship held with the person who died and the circumstances surrounding death are just as unique. The loss of a spouse is different from the loss of a friend, child, parent or sibling, not necessarily easier or harder to resolve, just different. Rabbi Earl Grollman once said that when we lose a parent, we lose our past. When we lose a spouse, we lose our present. And when we lose a child, we lose a future. Each loss is different. “The people in life who give you the most joy, give the most pain. Would you ever trade in that joy? Most of us probably would not. However, step by step, we can choose to heal and should realize that the grieving process can be long and time-consuming,” said Aftercare Coordinator, Serena Stevens of Stevens Mortuary Inc. It's helpful to describe grief as a roller coaster, full of ups and downs, highs and lows. Like many roller coasters, the ride tends to be rougher in the beginning, the lows deeper and longer. Gradually though, the high and lows become less intense. How Can I Help? The following advice is for those of us trying to help grieving friends and family members. Be flexible. Someone who is grieving may wish to alter certain holiday traditions or withdraw from full participation. Let someone talk. Ask about the deceased, even if you didn't know person. Don't avoid mentioning her or him at holidays or other usual occasions for reminiscing. Don't try to make it better. Statements like 'Cheer Up'; 'It was God's Will'; 'You'll get over it' are not helpful. Crying is an expression that releases tension and can be cathartic. Be There. However pained and helpless you feel when confronted with someone's sadness and misery, your willingness just to be there is an enormous gift. Company is especially helpful in the weeks and months after the funeral when friends and relatives return to their daily routines. Lend a Helping Hand. People who are grieving may be unable to say what they need. Offer to do something specific such as chores or errands. Keep promises. Grieving people feel abandoned if you don't follow through on pledges to call, visit or ask them over. Don't judge or be imposing how someone grieves. People grieve in their own ways and shift their needs (i.e. whether or not to discuss the deceased) may seem inconsistent. Take your cue from them. Other Sources: Harvard Women's Health Watch/Dec. 2002; Life Beyond Loss by Kenneth J. Doka, Ph.D. Contact Sally Reeves at Home Nursing Agency for more information at 946-5411 ext. 4011 
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